gutless; just a chicken

i've had enough. i dont think i did anything wrong. but i feel punished. i want my conductor to know that i dont owe her my life, or simply anything at all. band is your life, not mine. i dont aspire to be a musician of any sort (especially after knowing you), so kindly respect my choice of having other interests in life. i dont share the same dreams as you and i dont want to walk the same path as you. stop thinking that everyone is like you. and you seem to have a problem with me not working hard. just to let you know i sign no contract with you that i would work hard. anyway why should I? if you think i'm not hardworking enough, just let someone hardworking enough play my part. there's no need to threaten me or like scold me at all. i hate band. i hate the clarinet. i felt like leaving my clarinet in the middle of the street and walk away on my way home today. just like how i feel like leaving the band behind and walking ahead, leaving the horrible past behind. but i decided the consequences are too terrible for me to bear so i lugged my clarinet home. i have no passion for it and i dont understand why must i work so hard? just me not quiting band is already a sacrifice itself. i can quit, i have every right to quit. i just have no guts. sometimes i really feel like telling my conductor off. telling her how she has no concern for human feelings at all. how she is fails terribly as a teacher. sometimes i dont even know what is wrong and i just get scolded. sometimes it's really not my fault. at any rate a good teacher should never scold, just like mrs koh. i mean she never scolded us for the j.s. instead she bothered to listen to us reason and understand from our point of view. but our conductor never bothers what's our point of view. she doesnt care. let's see

step1: you get it wrong
step2: your fault that you wasted her time
step3: endless stream of harsh comments

First of all, which teacher on earth would say you are wasting time? and scold you more than teach you? yes, she produce results. we got gold. so what? the method she uses makes most people dont ever want to join band again. just look at the Interenational Tennis Federation Code of Ethics for Coaches and you'll understand why i say she fails terribly.

i'll list some here.
The tennis coach will:

Treat all students with respect at all times. Be consistent with them. Honour all promises and commitments, both verbal and written.

Provide feedback to students and other participants in a caring manner sensitive to their needs. Avoid overly negative feedback

Treat all students fairly within the context of their sporting activities, regardless of gender, race, place of origin, athletic potential, colour, sexual orientation, religion, political beliefs, social-economic status, and any other condition.

Encourage students to respect one another and to expect respect for their worth as individuals regardless of their level of play.

Respect that the fact that your goal as a coach for the student may not always be the same as that of the student. aim for excellence based upon realistic goals and due consideration for the student's growth and development

although this is for tennis coaches, i think all teachers should follow it. i mean it's the basic principle for being a teacher. and to have her even fulfill any single one that i mentioned above here is very amazing. i'm not kidding. and i would already be very satisfied. and i'll never forget how lorena said "i'm just standing up for myself". there's nothing wrong in telling her to stop scolding me but yet i dont have the guts to bring myself to do it. i wish i had the guts to speak up for myself, telling her how sick i am of her and that i'm so not interested in working together with her anymore.

i wish she would just leave. get out of my life.