gutless; just a chicken

i've had enough. i dont think i did anything wrong. but i feel punished. i want my conductor to know that i dont owe her my life, or simply anything at all. band is your life, not mine. i dont aspire to be a musician of any sort (especially after knowing you), so kindly respect my choice of having other interests in life. i dont share the same dreams as you and i dont want to walk the same path as you. stop thinking that everyone is like you. and you seem to have a problem with me not working hard. just to let you know i sign no contract with you that i would work hard. anyway why should I? if you think i'm not hardworking enough, just let someone hardworking enough play my part. there's no need to threaten me or like scold me at all. i hate band. i hate the clarinet. i felt like leaving my clarinet in the middle of the street and walk away on my way home today. just like how i feel like leaving the band behind and walking ahead, leaving the horrible past behind. but i decided the consequences are too terrible for me to bear so i lugged my clarinet home. i have no passion for it and i dont understand why must i work so hard? just me not quiting band is already a sacrifice itself. i can quit, i have every right to quit. i just have no guts. sometimes i really feel like telling my conductor off. telling her how she has no concern for human feelings at all. how she is fails terribly as a teacher. sometimes i dont even know what is wrong and i just get scolded. sometimes it's really not my fault. at any rate a good teacher should never scold, just like mrs koh. i mean she never scolded us for the j.s. instead she bothered to listen to us reason and understand from our point of view. but our conductor never bothers what's our point of view. she doesnt care. let's see

step1: you get it wrong
step2: your fault that you wasted her time
step3: endless stream of harsh comments

First of all, which teacher on earth would say you are wasting time? and scold you more than teach you? yes, she produce results. we got gold. so what? the method she uses makes most people dont ever want to join band again. just look at the Interenational Tennis Federation Code of Ethics for Coaches and you'll understand why i say she fails terribly.

i'll list some here.
The tennis coach will:

Treat all students with respect at all times. Be consistent with them. Honour all promises and commitments, both verbal and written.

Provide feedback to students and other participants in a caring manner sensitive to their needs. Avoid overly negative feedback

Treat all students fairly within the context of their sporting activities, regardless of gender, race, place of origin, athletic potential, colour, sexual orientation, religion, political beliefs, social-economic status, and any other condition.

Encourage students to respect one another and to expect respect for their worth as individuals regardless of their level of play.

Respect that the fact that your goal as a coach for the student may not always be the same as that of the student. aim for excellence based upon realistic goals and due consideration for the student's growth and development

although this is for tennis coaches, i think all teachers should follow it. i mean it's the basic principle for being a teacher. and to have her even fulfill any single one that i mentioned above here is very amazing. i'm not kidding. and i would already be very satisfied. and i'll never forget how lorena said "i'm just standing up for myself". there's nothing wrong in telling her to stop scolding me but yet i dont have the guts to bring myself to do it. i wish i had the guts to speak up for myself, telling her how sick i am of her and that i'm so not interested in working together with her anymore.

i wish she would just leave. get out of my life.

financial crisis.

okay. i'm officially broke. i have only a hundred bucks left. sounds a lot. but i have to spend

60 on my tennis lesson.
10 to book the courts.
50 on christmas presents.
5 on transport

lol. that's negative ok. i can practically starve from now onwards. bahh. i've no money for food. or rather snacks. and it's really hard to resist the temptation to buy snacks when u have a minimart in your block.

where have all the money gone?? :( and i'm still suppose to save up so that i might get to go europe next year -beams :D then again, maybe i won't go.

whee :)

Yesterday, i went over crystal's house in the afternoon to watch prince of tennis again. i finally reach the american team. and kevin reminds me of the character in full metal alchemist. anyway, i still like eiji kikumaru and fuji syuusuke best.

after that had our second tennis lesson. and it was drizzling. arghh. anyway there's nothing new. just did more practise on forehand strokes. i want a racquet for christmas. haha.

I felt really hungry after tennis lesson. then me and crystal were like thinking of stuffing ourselves with food and gaining weight. haha. so we had dinner and walk walk around j8 a bit. we went on talking about how we should gain weight. lols. anyway i need to gain weight and grow taller. yep. that's about it for yesterday.

as for gaining weight - my appetite, everytime before and after tennis lesson i feel like eating a lot. everytime before and after band prac, i dont feel like eating at all.

today was quite okay. more of looking forward to tomorrow. i watched 2 tennis matches, badminton match, basketball match, boxing match. lol. i'm not some sports fanatic. in fact, it's the first time i actually watched a tennis match and it's been long since i last watch channel 22 -supersports. i think that was last year, during the euro cup :D hehe anyway, i realise that the tennis is actually a pretty simple game. as in it requires strength, stamina, speed and everything but all you really need to know is serve, forehand and backhand. lols. i didn't expect it to be so simple. must have been brainwashed by the styles of playing in prince of tennis. i didnt even see a topspin or anything. i think i saw one smash and a few drop shots. and it's suppose to be amazing already. but it's quite okay to watch, definitely better than badminton. you know, after watching tennis, badminton is like totally no kick at all. firstly the court is so much smaller, and it was a doubles match that i watch then everything seems so fast and the shuttle cock is really small. okay i'm stating the obvious but badminton is really not meant for watching. and boxing is even worse. i dont even understand a thing about it. like i have no idea who is winning or what, or how do they even calculate the points. but the basketball match was nice. it was Lakers against Seattles. quite nice to watch lah..

oh and I saw on the news that NY had this christmas parade thingy and i think one of the light from the lampost hit two people. like damn unlucky. but how i wished i could be there to watch the nice nice parades. why dont sg have such stuff??!!

anyway i shall go and sleep already... there's a long day of tennis ahead tmr, from watching prince of tennis to playing tennis but i'm looking forward to it. i just hope the freaking weather wont disappoint me :D

yet another happy day :D

actually i've been rather happy for the past few days or should i say the past few weeks. perhaps tennis has really lighted up my life, maybe the idea of ... has already settled in my mind that's why i'm so happy. i guess it all contributes. so as long i'm happy that's good. i'm sleeping early these days too. no more 1am or 2am crap. but i've got this really big pile of homework still undone. boos. i mean i only did maths. and the rest is simply havent even touch. maybe i'll pack my desk later. the suff are stacking up on my desk again :/

i havent decide what i want for christmas and what i'm giving. haha. i was just thinking maybe a tennis racquet and tennis balls. lol. that'll be nice.

i love christmas.
i love the presents.
i love the christmas tree.
i love the dinner
i love the lights
i love the snow but there's none. lol

Weather forecast for saturday :(

Late afternoon and early evening showers with thunder.

aww... i hope it's rubbish :D

I did a lot of things today :D

haha. 3 hrs of morning band prac with ms sia. then after that went to crystal house to get her library books then we travelled to yck tennis centre to see bob - tennis coach, and lorena they all play tennis. haha. i was just curious how a bob looks like.. anyway their coach dont look like a bob. i would describe him as a healthy man that's quite old. he seems quite nice or maybe it's just to poach me and crystal to be his students. lol i'd consider him i i havent already had a coach ;p haha then talk a bit with them then we left and went to the amk library to return our books. and i sort of plop onto the couch while crystal was looking for books. was already quite tired by then. after that, we went to jack's place and that was my dinner. it was just a sudden thought to go there. but it's pretty worth it. more worth than the cafe in the library. but the baked rice is inferior to the one at swensens. i was pretty bloated after that meal not that it was very filling but like just a few hours ago me and crystal had lunch at macs. and yuh i felt as though i would vomit if i ate anymore. was practically dragging my feet home. so tired' but happy (: well, i always feel happy after band pracs...

**something impt happen today

True to your heart

Baby, I knew at once thatyou were meant for me
Deep in my soul I know
that I'm your destiny
Though you're unsure
Why fight the tide
Don't think so much
Let your heart decide

Baby, I see your future
and it's tied to mineI
look in your eyes and see
you searching for a sign
But you'll never fall
Till you let go
Don't be so scared
Of what you don't know

Chorus:
True to you heart
You must be true
to your heart
That's when the
heavens will part
And baby, shower youwith my love
Open your eyes
Your heart can tell
you no lies
And when you're true
to your heart
I know it's gonna lead
you straight to me
(Got to be true
To your heart)

Someone you know is on
your side, can set you free
I can do that for you if
you believe in me
Why second-guess
What feels so right
Just trust your heart
And you'll see the light

Chorus:
(Ya know it's true)
Your heart knows
what's good for you
(Good for you)
Let your heart showyou the way
(Ya know it's true)
It'll see you through
(Got to be true
To your heart)

Girl, my heart is driving
me to where you are
Well, you can take both hands off
the wheel and still get far
Be swept away
Enjoy the ride
You won't get lost
With your heart to guide you

Chorus 2x

When things are getting' crazy
And you don't knowwhere to start
Keep on believin', baby
Just be true to your heart
When all the world
around you
It seems to fall apart
Keep on believin', baby
Just be true to your heart

Last Christmas [Chorus]

Last Christmas
I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year
To save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

it's raining 4.08am in the morning. and i'm awake. lol. what the crap...

100 more pracs, 300 more hrs to go.

band is like prison
the moment i joined band
i sentenced myself to jail
3 and 3/4 yrs of imprisonment
a very long period of time
now i'm left with 3/4 years

i cant wait for the day of my release
the day that i would be passing out
the day that i my sufferings would come to an end
the day that i am revived
the day that i would step over a bucket of fire
the day that i would hug everyone
the day that i would regain my happiness
the day that i would regain my sanity
the day that i get to sleep a night without worries
the day that i get to stop talking about band
the day that i get to stop worrying about ms sia
the day i am liberated.

i simply cant wait for that day to come.
wells, only less than 100 pracs, 300 hrs more to go.

happy tracey (:

haha i'm so happy, hyper now. but the thought of band is killing it. to be more accurate, the thought of spending the next 6hr with ms sia's draining all the happiness out of me.

It's ironic
i wish time passes faster so i can get to my sat tennis lessons
i wish time would just freeze so i'll never get my dose of band pracs.
i wish time passes slower during tennis
i wish time passes faster during band pracs so that mental torture is kept to the least

you know what i feel like doing? i feel like taking the prestige clarinet and swinging it like the tennis racket and hopefully the upper part of it would just fly out of the window, just like how she would just poof away from my life (:

if you ask me whether i like music. i dont know what to answer. my music life has been so painful and crappy. i had piano lessons when i was quite young and i hated it. it was simply dreadful. and now i have band. which i also dread every practice. it sucks to know i have such a terrible music life. but has anyone ever find learning piano a total joy? i bet very few. but i do enjoy listening to music, other than that, i wish to have zilch connection with music... heh. maybe i'm just not interested in music enough to enjoy it. whatever. i dont care. just get me out of band! either that or get her out. poo...

okay, as i was saying... i was very happy. i think it's nice to learn something you like. well, it's the first time i have such a feeling. my mum use to sign me up for lots of crappy lessons which i never enjoyed and look forward to. maybe my playschool speech and drama class. hee, that was really fun too. but i told my mum to sign me up. so yeah.

it's not cause i'm not talented that's why i hated the lessons. i'm terribly talented in abacus. i always topped my class, getting perfect scores. but i was never really keen. well, maybe i was a little interested but still i never look forward to the lessons. there were tons of homework which i would just happily shoved aside until 6.45pm on friday and i would just copy all the answers and rush off for my lessons. the teacher liked me but i dont like the teacher. after learning for 6 years, i quit. i was so close to being a qualified teacher for abacus. haha but what's the point. it's just dumb and i dont like it. i'm not someone that can't go through any hardship, i just choose not to put myself through the unnecessary torture.

back to me being happy, sigh i keep going out of point.
yeah i was happy.
and i am happy (:
i like my tennis lessons (:

First tennis lesson, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Yesterday, had my very first tennis lesson, like finally. haha it was really fun. but we didnt exactly did fun things though. i guess the whole thing's just nice and fun (:

coach: what eca are u all from
me and huiqing: ...
coach: band. (his tone sounded like it's with a fullstop)
me and huiqing: omg! how did you know?! ~
coach: cause previously there's 3 girls also from band that learn tennis from me. from Dunman High. dont know lah. maybe band pple always want to learn tennis loh.

it's like omg. and huiqing initally thought i told him we're from band. haha. i hope we dont have a band-ish look. so he's from band too. percs. so we're all from band. yuck. maybe his conductor is ms sia too. lols. it's not totally impossible. but anyway the stuff we did during the lesson was really quite funny when you think about it. like we would hit the ball then look. and look. and when you see the coach... you rmb. ohh my arm!

crystal and i had hotcakes at macs then we caught harry potter (: while everyone else was queueing outside, buying the tickets. wahaha. It was a great movie but lots of improvements could have been made. it was more of "a medley of events" rather than a movie. too much cutting of scenes. for example the quidditch match. they show this really big, high and nice stadium. it was so cool. and the players came out. and ZAP. the people are celebrating. there wasn't even anything about the game!! it was like a trailer. all the parts were exciting but the whole movie seemed choppy.

the triwizard tournament, the yule ball, the scene with voldemort, it was all extremely exciting and nice. cedric is really good looking. he and hermione would have made the perfect couple. anyway it's kind of sad such a good looking person has to die. it just mean we won't get to see him in the next movie. if there is one. lols. and there is this part which both me and crystal thought was really funny.

i think it goes something like that, cant rmb the exact words:
Harry Potter: don't be stupid
Ron Weasley: yuh. Ron Weasley, Harry potter's stupid friend

okay it wasnt funny here :/ but it's suppose to be really funny. haha yesterday was a very nice day. everything just falls into place so perfectly. and it felt like 2 or 3 days (: anyway i look forward to next week's tennis lesson!!

rain.

this morning, it thunderstormed again. i was awoken by it actually. instantly, it reminded me of last sat :(

so i'm here online just to check the weather forecast. paranoid?

saturday, 19
Afternoon and early evening showers with thunder.

this had better be true. anyway there's scattered storms everyday and the chance of precipitation is 60%

da qiao, da qiao

I visited my alma mata with shu hao today, to see ms tng of course - she's the only teacher from dq of significance to me. although sadly, she only taught me in p4. they are thinking of creating a youth club for us, ex-dq-ers :D and the funniest thing was that ms tng said me and shu hao are the most loyal. haha. shu hao is loyal but me? (FYI: I only go back once a year) well, i still have yet to visit mr soon yet. bleah. i hope he still rmbs us. one day, i will. i think he's the greatest teacher i have ever known. pity, he's no longer a teacher. but a v.p. now :D oh boy, i miss my p4 days.

sigh. i'm still under the torment of my sunburns. i'll make it a point to glob some sunblock lotion before going to the beach. bleah.

what's fate to you?

hmm do you know that if you type fate in microsoft word and look up in the thesaurus, you get: destiny, fortune, chance, providence, luck, doom in this order. well, i just thought the word doom is very perturbing.

ripped this off from tammy's blog.

I dreamt that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me around. We walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels.

My angel guide stopped in front of the first section and said, "This is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to God said in prayer are received."

I looked around in this area, and it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on voluminous paper sheets and scraps from people all over the world. Then we moved on down a long corridor until we reached the second section.

The angel then said to me, "This is the Packaging and Delivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are processed and delivered to the living persons who asked for them."

I noticed again how busy it was there. There were many angels working hard at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and were being packaged for delivery to Earth.

Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section," my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed. "How is it that? There's no work going on here?" I asked.

So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments. "How does one acknowledge God's blessings?" I asked. "Simple," the angel answered. "Just say, "Thank you, Lord"

"What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked.

"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep .. you are richer than 75% of this world."

"If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy."

"And if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity."

"Also, if you woke up this morning with more health than illness you are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day."

"If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ... you are ahead of 700 million people in the world"

"If you can attend a church meeting without the fear of harassment, arrest, torture or death .. you are envied by, and more blessed than, three billion people in the world."

"If your parents are still alive and still married .. you are very rare."

"If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you are unique to all those in doubt and despair."

"Ok, what now? How can I start?"

If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you as very special and you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all. Have a good day, count your blessings, and if you want, pass this along to remind everyone else how blessed we all are.

i always believe in what i do.

sunburn

Sunburn is usually not immediately obvious. After being burnt, skin may turn red 2 to 6 hours later. Pain is worst 6 to 48 hours afterward. The burn continues to develop for 24 to 72 hours after the incident. Skin peeling begins 3 to 8 days after the burn occurs. Common outcomes include tenderness, pain, edema, red and/or peeling skin, rash, nausea and fever. Sunburns may be first- or second-degree burns.

bahh. i have like a few patches of sunburns. here and there. pfft. my shoulders hurt. i cant turn in my sleep or anything. i hope it heals soon. bleah.

anyway i really have to comment on mediacorp actors. they're just not up to standard. i cant imagine how can anyone survive watching those soap operas. the plot is not good. the actors lack the skills and profession. the best actor in my opinion is xie shaoguang, but too bad he quit. lol. and although i agree jack neo's films initially are rather nice and original i guess cause it reflects life in singapore. but all his subsequent shows are the same. same kind of plot. i think they should just have a whole team of new actors lah. our shows lack the quality and depth. the plot is somehow meaningless and the actors aren't involved in the show. pfft. i think hongkong actors are good. yeh. they get into the show really well and they have nice plot. they dont need to look good to be famous. they really depend on their skills i guess. and korea is catching up real fast. just look at Dae Jang-geum, Full house, etc... Japan is good at animation :D it has always been their forte. and they have nice shows as well. and just look at us. i think we use to be a lot better. well, at least i use to be able to stand watching the shows and perhaps enjoy them. i simply cant now.

SENTOSA

as you can see from the title, i went sentosa today (:
and it's like only crystal and me :/
2 people.
haha but it's quite fun. we were at the siloso beach. apparently that was one of the free places that we could go. never knew underwaterworld was actually 19.50 like woah. anyway the beach is nice. it's windy. and there were fishes in the water. there was this really big one. quite eww. and there was this thing that people can paddle. some kind of boat thingy. looks pretty fun but we never tried. then we made a chair from the sand. strange eh. whoever heard of sandchair?? lols. and we sat on it upon "completion".left the beach at around the afternoon. walked around and that's when i realise i'm burnt cause i was wondering why was it so painful to carry my bag. anyway we ate delifrance which was nice too. went to harbour centre to shop later and then to J8. bought this fido dido white shirt o.o but it's really nice. i'll buy the spongebob one some other day. okay maybe it's a little childish.... heh.

anyway i still cant believe i actually went "overseas", you know left singapore. lols. and there were only two of us. never wandered so far of with anyone of my same age before. so i guess this is a new experience. anyway it's like everyone else seems like busy people. busy with j.s. haha. i'm glad i dont have to go. i rather get burnt in the sun and have fun then work in some i dont know what wearing some very gross uniform with damn little pay. lols.

but something irritating happened today... i called the yck tennis thing again. and it's fully booked. like wth. phone booking is only open at 1pm monday. and i call at 1.30pm. i dont think it's too late can?! and the stupid person just said "oh people come down to book before the phone booking is open" like woah. why doesnt she tells me this earlier. !@#$$% anyway so i called the coach, who apparently went "overseas". but apparently he was back in sg almost same time as us?! and he told me he book the courts 8-9 already. boos. that means i'm not going to sleep for another sat. but i rather not sleep larh. i just want to have my lessons.